Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
if only i could text you this smell
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
