After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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