I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
