Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
the condom got lost in my hair
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Randomize
