I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
