a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Randomize
