Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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