im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
