At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Randomize
