Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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