It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
