I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
