if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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