My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
