Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
