I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
