but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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