I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
