i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
