can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Randomize