farters have to be the big spoon...
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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