Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
