I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
