I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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