A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
