My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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