i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
