So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
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