yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
