I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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