This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
