He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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