My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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