I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize