When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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