I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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