i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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