Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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