Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize