I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize