I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
