i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
