1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Randomize