I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
