i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
