I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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