i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
