is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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