Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
