the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
