You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
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