I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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