My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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